Forgiveness Can You Imagine?
by FlickerInTheDark
Summary: Alexander tries to apologize for what he did. Eliza is hurt beyond words. This is the story of what happens before Philip comes home.


Eliza had found out. She knew. When Alexander came home she rushed up to him. Before he could speak she thrust a paper at him.

"What is this?" she asked harshly.

"Betsey, what?" Alexander said confused.

"Don't you dare 'Betsey me'!" she fumed her fists clenched.

Alexander took the paper and saw with a sinking feeling the words _Reynolds Pamphlet._

"I didn't mean for you to see it," Alexander said helplessly.

"Oh, so you were going to keep it from me? Let me find out all on my own this, this treachery?" Eliza spat and shook the paper in front of her husband.

Alexander couldn't say anything before Eliza continued, "Today I was shopping to buy some ingredients for supper. In fact ,your favorite, because I thought you deserved it, and the butcher hands me this pamphlet. Thank God he didn't know who I was because that may have made it worse! But all the way back home I heard whispers and felt their pity and stares!"

"Eliza," Alexander said because he had no words. His poor wife didn't deserve this.

"'Sweet dear Elizabeth, always too trusting' and 'tsk tsk, never saw it coming'. It was humiliating!"

"I am so sorry you had to hear those things." Alexander knew this wasn't what she wanted an apology for but it was perhaps a start.

"Your darling children, saw their mother cry! And now they know!" Eliza began to cry. Not of sadness but of pure anger and hatred.

"I am so sorry. It was the only way to protect my political standings," Alexander trying to apologize.

"You wouldn't be in this mess if this Maria hadn't waltzed in. I thought you were chivalrous! Your letters, your "love" letters made me think you were upstanding, but now I see you are no better than a dog. No worse than a dog, a flea!" Eliza continued.

Eliza never hit her children or anyone but in that moment she smacked Alexander square across his face. Alexander didn't blame her. He had mentally slapped himself multiple times.

Eliza then stormed upstairs.

"Wait, Eliza," he called after her.

"I'm getting your stuff and you will be sleeping in your office! I will not share a bed with someone who betrayed my trust. You don't deserve to sleep in the same bed! It has been tainted with that girl!" she yelled down the stairs, "I barely think I can even sleep in it myself!"

"Eliza I am so sincerely sorry!" he called to her.

"Thus far I have only heard crocodile tears and apologies of things I do not care for! You have not apologized to me for what you personally did!" That was the last thing he heard her say before he saw his socks come flying down the stairs.

And so Alexander slept in his office. But he didn't do much sleeping. He was too busy reading scathing letters from friends and enemies. He read a particularly mocking letters from Jefferson. One said:

 _Dear Sir,_

 _I hope this letter finds you in good health and in a prosperous enough position to admit defeat. You see, it never had to be like this. On a sincere note Mr. Madison and I had no intention of exposing you. Though Burr… Regardless how this has commenced I would wish you to not pursue the position of President. For if you do after this I will do much worse then this pamphlet has caused to erase your political career._

 _Yours most sincerely,_

 _T. Jefferson_

To throw salt into the wound both Jefferson and Madison sent his wife an apology card and flowers. It made him sick to think these men would show her pity

George Washington sent a letter as well. It was by far the most cutting it had read:

 _Dear Mr. Hamilton,_

 _I was most distressed when I saw your pamphlet wash up on my doorstep and reading of it in the papers. You were my right hand man; I would have thought you to keep you pen at rest in this matter. No one asked you to write this. Having heard Mr. Jefferson and Mr. Madison's accounts they were most civil. They had the decency to not expose you but to merely ask. I am almost certain the two would have let this go. Now I believe all of the states know and will never let this go. Send my regards to Elizabeth._

 _Son, even here in Mount Vernon I receive daily letters asking my opinion of the matter. I thought I had left the drama of government but it seems I am being pulled in again. I have a very hard time defending and speaking to your abilities. But I have remained silent, lest to further the flames. But I was shocked regardless that you could have been so thoughtless to one sleep with another and to expose it as you did._

 _Sincerely,_

 _G. Washington_

Alexander noticed how his children barely looked at him. They skirted him as much as possible and the younger children were scared. They of course could not understand this, they were too young for this. The only saving grace was that Philip the eldest son was not home. He was away at college and would not be returning for a month. Pray, this blows over before his son comes home or his son would be devastated and never speak to him.

Eliza was inconsolable. He certainty did not blame her. She still ate meals with Alexander insisting that the children needed normalcy in this time. Which was fine by Alexander, but what he did notice is how quiet she was. She rarely spoke to anyone but her children and even then her words were non-committal. Meals were quiet awkward affairs and Alexander would excuse himself as soon as possible. Eliza seemingly would not eat until he was gone or if he sat with them too long she wouldn't eat.

One day a seeming miracle came. Alexander was walking up the stairs and he saw Angelica holding Eliza on the landing. From the looks of her travelling clothes and bag next to her, she had arrived maybe 15 minutes ago.

"Angelica! What a surprise," he tried to sound upbeat.

"Alexander," she said flatly, "I think it is best we have our little chat in the next room. Do you mind?"

They walked into the room closest which was the nursery. Thank goodness the children were out.

"Angelica, I am so grateful you are here. Thank God someone who understands what I am struggling here to do.."he began before Angelica stopping him. He had been moving closer to kiss her hand and she abruptly moved back.

"Is that why you think I am here?!"she seethed.

"Excuse me?" Alexander asked taken aback.

"I am not here for you! Put what we had aside I'm standing at her side," Angelica continued.

"I had to do it to protect my legacy and career!' Alexander exclaimed for maybe the hundredth time.

"You've invented a new kind of stupid. A unlock all the cages in the zoo stupid. You just never could be satisfied," she said in a steely cold voice.

"It was a sacrifice!" Alexander said weakly. He knew at this point it was hardly an excuse, but he was so tired that it was the best thing he could muster.

"Oh? A sacrifice? Do you think I care about this little sacrifice? I sacrificed my happiness for my sister, I love my sister more than anything in this life I will choose her happiness over mine every time. I languished in a loveless marriage in London, and the only thing that kept me from going mad is your letters. I'm here to stay, for Eliza. ."

There was a space. Angelica staring Alexander down, daring him to interject or defend himself. But then came a small voice.

"Aunt Angelica?" it was his 5th child John. But how, he thought all of the children were out.

"Hello my darling!" she chirped with only a slight sound of annoyance remaining.

"I didn't know you were visiting. Will you be staying for a while?" he asked.

"As long as I need to," Angelica said shooting daggers at Alexander.

That evening was on of the happiest evenings. Mostly because Angelica was there and Alexander was not. He could hear the laughter down the stairs and could hear the high pitch of Eliza's laughter most of all.

Later that evening his daughter Angelica knocked at his office. She came by every evening to talk to him about his idiocy. He normally would have dismissed her, he didn't need to hear another reason why he failed Eliza. But given the circumstances and Angelicas was the only one he would talk to all day, so he listened.

"Father?" she called through the door. She no longer called him papa, strictly formal.

"Come in Angie," he sighed. She had been telling him that she was Angelica, not Angie. But now she did not correct him.

"Father please fix it," she begged. This was new, she always sounded harsh and demanding him to somehow erase his mistake.

"Angie, I tell you this every day, I wish I could go back and erase my wrong doing," he repeated.

"Wishes only work if you do and I do not think you quite understand. Having Aunt Angelica being here made today the only good day since your scandal got out. But I know even Aunt Angelica cannot fix this forever," Angie said, "And one day Aunt Angelica will not be enough and mother will fall farther in despair."

He noticed just how much his daughter was like Angelica. So smart, so quick witted.

"I am doing my best," he said rubbing his eyes.

"Try harder. I don't think you are really trying! Because I do not want Aunt Angelica's time to be wasted nor unappreciated," she said finally.

She bid Alexander good night and left before he could respond.

Now that Angelica was here, she improved the state of the house. Angelica did the shopping and ran the errands, sparing Eliza from the stares. Angelica spoke very little to Alexander because she knew he would figure out his actions were truly wrong sooner or later .

One night Alexander could not sleep so he decided to walk to the pantry. He wasn't hungry but felt it was something to do. He lit a candle placed it in the holder and began to walk.

Coming to the kitchen he saw Eliza. She was standing there in front of a bucket of flames. She was tossing papers in. He heard her muttering, "I'm burning the letters that might have redeemed you! You have lost all rights to my heart."

He knew he shouldn't bother her. She needed this. He deserved this. Then he saw her get up. The flames were gone and she took her lantern. Before he could go back to his office she rounded the corner and saw him. Her eyes flicked not with anger but hopelessness.

"Eliza." He simply stated.

"Alexander."

"Could you ever forgive me? Please Eliza you must hear how sorry I am. I would do anything…"

"You could have told me."

"Told you what?" he asked truly puzzled.

"You could have told me of Maria. I would have been mad but I would forgive you in time. But you had to do this and I am not sure if I can ever forgive you," she said, "You think what you did was right and it is not your fault. Writing your way out has always been your solution but not now."

Silence. The crickets even stopped chirping. Alexander was frozen stiff with truth.

" Good night," she said simply, "Philip's coming home tomorrow and I would like us to look somewhat like our normal selves, for him at least."

She left him silently. Alexander had forgotten Philip was arriving home from college. He would have just graduated. He had forgotten his own son's achievements in all of this. But Eliza was right. Hopefully Philip had not heard and together they could keep their son blissfully unaware. Not because their son was fragile but because he might be as impulsive as Alexander if he heard the news.


End file.
